And somehow the spouses of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life ― and sum it up perfectly in no more than 280 characters.
Every other week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous 14 days. Read on for 26 new relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
— Suppose She’s A Wildflower (@_SouthernMama) May 25, 2022
“Judy Garland is Liza Minnelli’s mom?” -my husband who apparently isn’t gay.
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) May 27, 2022
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 20, 2022
Just thinking about the time I accidentally pronounced minestrone like “mine strone” and how my wife still laughs harder about that than any time I’ve tried to make her laugh on purpose.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 29, 2022
I had to fart in the pool but everyone would know it was me so my husband blew bubbles and that, my friends, is my love language
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 17, 2022
Capturing my husband‘s attention is easy, I just refer to a screwdriver as a wrench.
— Darla (@ddsmidt) May 27, 2022
Married someone who’s an extrovert so I have someone to represent me at social functions while I stay home.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 21, 2022
My wife said “Your wonderful” in a text to me. I replied “No, you’re wonderful”. She’s been in a good mood all day. I don’t think I should tell her I was correcting her grammar.
— mariana Z🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦 (@mariana057) May 18, 2022
When people‘s names were being called during my husband‘s graduation ceremony today family members were yelling out things like “that’s my brother” and “that’s my daughter!” So my smart ass yelled when Skylar‘s name was read “that’s my pool boy!” And no one laughed.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 20, 2022
husband: hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: my signature dish
husband: so leftovers
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) May 19, 2022
wife: *calling me* put ketchup on the grocery list
[one minute later]
me: I can’t read it anymore
— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 29, 2022
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘it was their spa day’ to a ‘you soaked the cast iron pans overnight?!’ fight
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 26, 2022
My wife is watching, This is Us but it sounds like the end of Old Yeller on a loop.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 18, 2022
My wife hates talking on the phone.
One time when she misplaced it, I dialed her number to help her find it. She heard a faint ring in the adjacent room.
She went in, picked it up,
answered it, hung up, and texted me:
“Found it, thanks.”
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) May 24, 2022
Of course I put a lot of effort into my marriage because it takes a lot of effort to ignore the fact that I married someone who likes to squeeze the toothpaste tube wrong.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 27, 2022
My wife and I celebrated our anniversary today by completely forgetting it
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) May 21, 2022
Whenever my wife buys a sweater that says do not tumble dry, I take that as a challenge.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) May 27, 2022
If Mr is pronounced Mister then Dr should be pronounced Dister.
Wife: It’s too early for your shit.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) May 28, 2022
I’m so married I asked my wife if I could help and she said I could help by not asking if I could help for the rest of the night.
— Your Favorite Gay Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 20, 2022
My wife knows two settings on the thermostat 62° & 92°.
— Crac⚡ked (@a_simpl_man) May 18, 2022
My children put yogurt over their cereal for breakfast, and I don’t bat an eye. My husband puts chicken & grape salad on corn tortillas, and I don’t even know who I married.
— Ousa Medusa (@MedusaOusa) May 18, 2022
Dating: “Wanna share a strawberry smoothie?”
Married: “Quit holding your coffee mug loudly!”
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) May 24, 2022
my wife and I do this foreplay thing where she blames me for things I have no control over and I apologize for it, it’s super kinky & I’m sorry jc penney wouldn’t let you return the jacket honey
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 18, 2022
After 12 years together, my wife and I have finally achieved perfect synchronicity in the bedroom… We farted at *exactly* the same time.
— Brona C Titley (@bronactitley) May 23, 2022
tomorrow my wife and i are installing the underground dog fence. i have planned it out well. can’t wait to go to petsmart and lowes 42 more times and be divorced by 3pm.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 20, 2022
Without me, my husband would still be lost in that IKEA.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 26, 2022